How to Gain Trust in a Relationship After Lying (& Cheating)

Trust gets shattered when cheating or lying comes into play. The result? Betrayal trauma impacts the other person deeply. Ignoring it can cause the relationship to crumble, sometimes ending in divorce.

But here’s the reality: repair isn’t impossible. It requires courage, a plan, and sometimes, a little professional help. Couples Counseling or Infidelity Therapy offers that lifeline, guiding you back to healing, step by step.

Why wait? Book a free consultation now. Our experienced LMFT and CPTT Therapists and Counselors in California are ready to help you and walk the road with you.

Do trust issues ever go away? Yes they do. However, failing to address the primary reason for this issue will only cause it to linger and slowly poison the relationship. Common things that break trust in a relationship include:

• Small Betrayals: Bad habits like hiding your purchases or texting in secret can erode trust. This is because frequent secrecy makes your wonder question what else you may be hiding.
   
• Past Hurts: When arguments aren’t resolved from the root cause, they slowly grow into resentment. In addition, dismissing old arguments tells your partner that their feelings don’t matter. 
  
  
• Mental Health Problems: Untreated depression, anxiety, and even sexual addiction can make your partner pull back emotionally. The result is emotional distance and insecurity. 
  
  
• Infidelity and Childhood Trauma: Recent studies showed that 25–50% of divorces ended because of an affair. Similarly, unresolved childhood trauma can also make it hard to delete and create a truly secure and deep emotional attachment. 
  
  
• Dishonesty and Lying: Even small lies cause doubt. Repeated dishonesty weakens trust and disrespects your partner, as well as the bond. 
  
  
• Lack of Accountability: Not taking responsibility for mistakes blocks healing. It shows you’re not ready to change, which prevents trust from being rebuilt. 
  
  
• Neglect and Disrespect: Prioritizing everything else except your partner, or speaking to them in a disrespectful way, can make them feel small. The more it continues, the more they will feel unsafe and unloved.

Having an affair and lying to your partner can be the final blow that either breaks their self-esteem or your marriage. The betrayal trauma afterward can damage their emotions, cognition, and even physical health, and the result? The end of the marriage.

Read More: 11 steps to rebuild Love in a relationship

Can your relationship survive after lying? Yes. However, recovery will require immense effort from both of you. You must be willing to forgive, cooperate, and actively want to repair the damage.

If you’re unable to attend therapy and counseling now, there are some trust and communication exercises for couples to restore your love.

1. Trust Walk: If the betrayed partner feels safe physically and emotionally, then the partner you betrayed closes their eyes while you guide them around the room. The goal is to practice vulnerability and care.
   
   
2. Trust Talk: Spend 15 minutes of the day in an open discussion. The hurt partner will discuss all their feelings with zero judgment. The offender's job is merely to listen and validate.
   
   
3. Genuine Apology: The partner who lied must state: "I was wrong for lying about [specific lie]. I understand it hurts you by causing [specific impact]. I will work very hard to earn back your trust."
   
   
4. Eye Gazing: Sit facing each other and maintain eye contact for 3-5 minutes. The goal is to reignite that lost sense of connection and intimacy.
   
   
5. Gratitude: Find time every day to share one thing you appreciate about each other. This will shift the energy away from negativity to positivity.

We understand that during these exercises, especially during Eye Gazing, you might have things to say but can't put them into words. Fortunately, we have compiled 10 questions to ask a cheating spouse to help you put your thoughts into words.

1. Both: Promise complete honesty and transparency in the relationship, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. Secrets kill whatever progress you have made.
   
   
2. Who lied: Provide full disclosure on both your phone and schedule. Your actions must align with what you said in order to rebuild trust with your partner.
   
   
3. Who was betrayed: Permit yourself to fully experience anger and hurt, without fearing retaliation for expressing those feelings.
   
   
4. Who lied: Be a good listener and remain patient with your partner. Answer all of their questions without becoming defensive while they try to work through the betrayal and the pain.

Sure, you can try fixing your relationship on your own. But having a relationship therapist on your side? That’s the real game-changer. The biggest benefits of marriage counseling is that it gives you the kind of structure and insight that lasts. Plus, they help facilitate those difficult conversations that you might shy away from.

However, if your relationship is full of abuse or one partner shows no remorse, fixing it isn’t really possible. Those conditions destroy the safety and trust that marriage needs to grow.

When your conversations have turned into repetitive cycles of blame and/or shame; When the betrayed spouse has reached a state of overwhelming anxiety; Or, simply when you feel "stuck"; these are some reasons why you need couples counseling. While rebuilding trust can be a long process that may take years for the couple, many are able to experience great progress in just a few short months.

1. Relationship Counseling (Couples): 
   Works with couples to help them learn new ways of communicating through a variety of tools and techniques, improving their relationship foundation and helping them
   resolve conflicts together.
   
   
2. Trauma Betrayal Recovery Counseling: 
   Affairs create trauma. That's just the reality. This type of counseling helps both people navigate that chaos. The partner who got hurt needs space to heal, which takes time. The one who cheated must sit with the pain they caused and really try to understand the reasons behind their actions.
   
   
3. Marriage Counseling:
   Marriage counselors use different methods depending on what a couple needs. The Gottman Method is a popular option. It's all about strengthening friendship first. Couples learn to enjoy each other's company and deal with conflicts without hurting the relationship. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is another helpful approach helping couples catch those destructive thoughts such as, "They'll never change" or "I can't trust anyone."

Related: Who will benefit from couples counseling?

You can definitely work on your relationship on your own or through  online therapy, and plenty of couples figure things out that way. But some issues are just too complicated to fix without professional help. Addiction, trauma, and chronic illness aren't things you can power through with good intentions and a few YouTube videos. They require the help of someone who is professionally trained to treat these conditions. 

That's when you need a specialist like an LMFT or CPTT therapist. Dr. Invia, for example, has the strategic insight to help guide couples through even the most difficult terrain. And here's the thing: getting professional help doesn't just improve your relationship. It can seriously boost your mental wellbeing, too. 

Make the right move today. Book a free consultation with LMFT and CPTT – Dr. Invia  and rebuild your love today!

Q1. How do you fix a relationship you ruined by lying?
The best way to fix things? Own what you did, completely. No excuses, no minimizing. You hurt someone, so take responsibility for that hurt. Start with an apology that actually means something. Then dedicate yourself to being brutally honest going forward. Afterward, focus all your efforts on making sure your actions match your words. Any inconsistency can ruin the progress made.

Q2. How do I get my partner to trust me again?
You can get your partner to trust you with your actions over time. By being consistently reliable and truthful. Stop telling lies. Be transparent and open about everything. Be patient. Answer your partner's questions without being defensive.

Q3. How to rebuild trust in a relationship after betrayal?
The betrayer? Total honesty. Show real compassion for the damage done.
The hurt partner needs safety. No judgment when they're expressing pain.
Both of you have to commit to open dialogue and get professional help. Research shows that betrayal trauma therapy can produce meaningful results.

Q4. How do I prove I'm trustworthy now?
Follow up on commitments made to your partner. Consistency builds trust. A consistent pattern of behavior over time will help replace old patterns of distrust.

Q5. Can trust ever be fully rebuilt?
Yes, however, the "new" trust will never be the same–there is no way to restore the original innocence of the "old" trust. The new trust has been developed from a place of accountability, from being honest about past actions, and from healing emotional wounds.