How to Change Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Fearful-avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment style that has both a desire for closeness and a fear of closeness. As defined by Psych Central, fearful-avoidant individuals want to be close to others, but also fear the very closeness they desire.  

In research, this style is described by both high levels of anxiety and high levels of avoidance; thus, you may desire close connections, but fear trusting other people.

As a result of these contradictory desires, individuals who have a fearful-avoidant attachment style will experience a "push-pull" in their relationships (e.g., pull toward people, then push away from them once they begin to feel overly close). 

The fearful-avoidant attachment style behaviors over time can influence how you interact with others, impact your emotional stability and create a general feeling of insecurity in regards to other people.

You may see some of the fearful-avoidant attachment behaviors/patterns listed below in yourself:

• Low self-worth or low self-esteem ("I am not good enough") 
  
  
• Difficulty regulating your emotions, particularly in relation to your interactions with other people. 
  
  
• Hypervigilance (i.e., constantly scanning for potential threats, e.g., rejection or abandonment) 
  
  
• Trust issues. You may frequently find yourself behaving inconsistently toward other people. 
  
  
• Sensitivity to conflicts, which often leads to withdrawing from others. 
  
  
• A push-pull approach to closeness and distance with other people.

Learn More: Why Do I Hate Myself?

Typically, Fear Avoidant Attachment comes from early life experiences where you didn’t experience feeling safe when close to people. 

Research has shown that individuals with this type of attachment experience both

 high levels of anxiety and  high levels of avoidance. These two traits result in great difficulty managing their emotions and creating, developing, and maintaining long-term, stable relationships.

Common sources for Fearful-Avoidant attachments include childhood trauma, unstable/ineffective parenting/caregivers, and unhealed emotional wounds. Learn more about signs when your body is releasing trauma.

Actually, when you experience both safety and danger in the same relationship/person, your mind begins to expect that relationships will always feel unpredictable and unsafe.

It is out of this unpredictable expectation that the push/pull dynamic we see in adults attached at a fearful-avoidant level, within their romantic/sexually intimate relationships develop. Certain triggers can activate this pattern in adulthood:

Broken Trust: Will reinforce feelings of being abandoned, betrayed, etc.

Overwhelming Closeness:May feel like too much emotionally, causing you to pull back

Being Judged: May trigger shame and lead to withdrawing into yourself

Disagreements in Relationships: Will likely escalate any already present instability and lead to emotional reactivity.

When these types of events occur, individuals exhibiting Fearful Avoidant Attachment are likely to react emotionally, avoid intimate contact, and eventually, lose out on long-term, healthy connections.

It’s very possible to change your attachment style. Using the correct tools and having a supportive system in place will allow you to develop into a secure attachment style. Over time, you will become more comfortable with closeness, learn to trust others, manage your emotions, and build more stable relationships. 

Here’s how you begin:

Your first action should be to recognize your "push/pull" behaviors. Recognizing when you are withdrawing, over-reacting or scared of closeness provides an opportunity for you to stop acting out on those automatic patterns.

Use journaling and self-reflective methods to identify what stimulates your responses. Common triggers for individuals who experience push-pull behaviors are conflict, feelings of vulnerability, and/or fears of being rejected. By identifying these triggers, you have the opportunity to respond to situations intentionally rather than simply react.

Practising mindfulness allows you to become aware of your emotions without acting on them. Guided meditations and mindfulness apps can help you stay present and manage emotional overload that builds up when feelings go unaddressed.

Your low self-worth will reinforce both anxiety and avoidance behaviors. By challenging those negative thoughts and being kinder to yourself when things get hard, you will begin to build your self-worth. Learn to boost self-esteem and confidence.

Changing from a fearful avoidant attachment type in your relationship requires the most effective method for doing so, which is therapy.

• EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy): Helps create an emotionally connected bond and enhances communication.
  
  
• CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): Helps to change the way you think about things that have created fear and/or anxiety.
  
  
• Attachment-Based Therapy: Addresses the wounds related to the underlying cause of the fearful avoidant attachment type.

Trauma left unaddressed is commonly the driving force behind developing a fearful avoidant attachment type. 

Techniques such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) help[s you work through past traumatic memories, reducing their emotional weight and breaking the automatic fear responses they create.

Practice using various grounding strategies, deep breathing, and increasing emotional awareness. Grounding and becoming aware of emotions will help you control impulse behaviors within your relationship.

In a gradual way, expose yourself to increased levels of intimacy and vulnerability. The key is small, consistent exposures that can lessen the automatic fear response over time.

Clearly communicate your expectations for your relationship (i.e., what you are comfortable with; what you need support with; etc.). Clearly communicating these expectations at the beginning of a relationship will decrease potential misunderstanding and promote greater stability.

If your fearful avoidant attachment pattern in relationships causes a lot of conflict, emotional overload, or unstable relationships, it may be time for some professional help. At San Jose Counseling, we offer caring online counseling services throughout the state of California.

Our therapists use CBT, EFT, and/or EMDR with our clients to identify your triggers, establish trust, and develop healthy boundaries. As you work through this process, you will begin to find consistency, rather than the constant push-and-pull of being close and far away.

Fearful avoidant attachment patterns are not forever. With the right strategies, building trust, regulating emotions, and creating a consistent and secure connection is possible. 

A therapist can guide you from uncertainty to clarity and help you develop consistent, safe, and satisfying relationships. Book a free consultation call today!

No single attachment style is the most toxic, but fearful-avoidant attachment is often the most difficult because it has both high levels of anxiety and high levels of avoidance. It creates inconsistency in how you behave within your relationship, which makes it difficult to create or maintain healthy ones.

You are looking for closeness, but once things get too serious and/or emotional, you pull away. For example, you look for intimacy, and once you have been emotionally vulnerable, you pull away from that person, which will cause you to create a "push-and-pull" pattern with them.

Change is possible. Developing awareness of what triggers you, improving your ability to regulate your emotions, increasing your self-esteem, and seeking professional help can all help you move beyond the fearful-avoidant attachment style toward a more stable state.

Therapy (such as CBT, EFT, EMDR) for processing trauma, and practicing secure attachment behaviors will help reduce your fear and your need to avoid. You’ll be able to build trust in others and in yourself, and ultimately form better connections with them.