Ask These 10 Questions to Your Cheating Spouse (No Need of a Lie Detector)

Infidelity and cheating are devastating and very heavy both on a personal and relationship level. It’s overwhelming emotionally and puts you on a crossroad of deciding between either rebuilding the relationship or breaking the marriage through separation or divorce. 

All this puts you in a position that you now want to ask questions to a cheating and betrayer spouse about their affair, your future relationship with them and their actions and intentions. 

But what if your spouse refuses to answer the questions– thinking it knowing about their affair would hurt you?  Or say that they don’t remember much about the affair . Would you, then, use a lie-detector? If your unfaithful spouse is not transparent and willing to rebuild a relationship because they think that they would be labelled as cheater or they have pretty similar reasons to keep the secrets, what would you do? 

This article explores the questions that spouses can ask their unfaithful husbands, partners, and wives. For questions on infidelity and recovery after betrayal trauma, you can book a FREE consultation with Dr. Invia – California’s top-rated CPTT (certified partner trauma therapist) and LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist).

When you initially find out your partner cheated,  it can be hard to comprehend. You will experience a myriad of emotions all at once. You will feel overwhelmed, hurt, and angry, and these are all normal things to feel.

When your spouse cheats on you, what you should do depends on how you find out. Did you find out from them? Or someone else? 

If they came to you with full sincerity and empathy, then being honest about the affair may provide an opportunity to fix your relationship. Most people, when they get cheated on, feel that there was something that they, themselves, lacked. 

However, that is not always the case. The person who cheated often faced an internal struggle and felt that something was lacking.

• You should mentally prepare yourself: you need to be in a good and clear place so that you can get the full clarity you need.
  
  
• Make a list of what exactly you want to ask and reflect on them before the conversation.

After the affair, to have a true conversation with your partner, make sure to plan a time to sit down together in a setting where you feel completely comfortable. That way, you feel safe to allow your emotions to flow – giving room for healing. 

As Grontvedt and colleagues observed, “It’s difficult to imagine a long-term relationship without some kind of transgression.” They also said that “breaking promises and rules is almost inevitable, even when there’s no intention to harm a partner.” 

1. Your spouse will not want to admit they have been keeping secrets. 
   
   
2. They’ve betrayed your trust knowingly. 
   
   
3. The guilt that they feel over the affair when looking at you is overwhelming. 
   
   
4. Your partner will try to make excuses, but they are just that– excuses. 
   
   
5. They may have put your health at risk (like STDS, or other types of infections). 
   
   
6. The vows that they made to you when you got together/married have been broken. 
   
   
7. Moments and memories that you could have made together were forfeited. 
   
   
8. They’ve hurt you and your self-esteem. 
   
   
9. Your future together is now uncertain and damaged. 
   
   
10. They fear losing you– they know that saying that out loud won’t sound truthful after the affair. 

By questioning  your partner after the affair, you can clear up uncertainties between you. You won’t have to stay up at night questioning how to improve your communication, because you'll feel confident enough to simply ask.

1. “Did you feel guilty?”: Asking if your partner felt guilty during or after the affair can help you determine if they feel true empathy for the pain they caused you.
   
   
2. “How long did it last?”: It’s important to know the duration of the cheating. It will give you an idea of just how deep into it they were emotionally. 
   
   
3. “Did you think about me?”: It’s easy to think that when your partner cheats, they don’t think of you. However, this may not always be the case. 
   
   
4. “Can trust between us be fixed?”: This question is more so asking yourself, but bringing your partner into the conversation for their input. 
   
   
5. “What did you tell them about our relationship?”: Was the other person aware of your relationship status? If not, why weren’t they informed? 
   
   
6. “Can the relationship be saved?”: You need to find out if your partner wants the relationship to be saved. Sometimes, after discovering they are cheating, they don’t. 
   
   
7. “What do you need from me?”: This question seems a bit harsh, considering you needed loyalty from them. But if you want to move on with your relationship and heal, then you should address your needs.
    
8. “Will it happen again?”: Discuss if this is an ongoing thing that you will need to be worried about. Together you can make a plan to put your own mind at ease and figure out ways to know this won’t happen again. 
   
   
9. “Why did you cheat?”: Getting to the bottom of why they cheated in the first place can be the very thing that saves your relationship. If you can work through it together and fix what is broken at the roots, then it is less likely this will happen again. 
   
   
10. “Should I stay or go?”: Help your partner understand that this situation is something that deeply hurts you.  Even though you might not know what you are going to do yet. Find out if they truly care about you and if they can imagine a life without you in it. 

Read More: Reasons You Need Marriage Counseling

The first thing that you and your partner should consider is couples therapy or Infidelity therapy. Both can be a valuable resource, whether pursued individually or as a couple, to help rebuild trust after betrayal. It can also help uncover the deeper, underlying reasons for your partner's actions besides building self-esteem and improving emotional well-being. 

It is  important to note that you might feel plagued — following your partners’ infidelity — by a constant reminder of their betrayal. 

To combat this, try shifting your focus from their unfaithfulness and wrongdoings to the positive actions they’re taking now – given that they are transparent and serious in saving the marriage or relationship. 

Reflect on the reasons you're still committed to saving your marriage despite everything that has happened. This shift in focus can help with your personal healing and strengthen your relationship overall.

Dr. Invia – CPTT (certified partner trauma therapist) and LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) can help you rebuild a relationship with your spouse/husband/wife or partner provided that you and the betraying spouse are committed and transparent to improve the relationship. 

But do you need marriage counseling or betrayal or infidelity therapy? Book your FREE consultation with Dr. Invia.  You can also reach out to him for questions. Over the past three decades, he has helped countless in California recover from trauma, PTSD, sex addiction, relationship anxiety, and divorce. 

Related: When to Walk Away from someone with Mental Illness

If a betrayer spouse (husband/wife) refuses to cooperate with you or decline your request of answering the question — it could be because they don’t want to hurt you or worried about their length of an affair or want to retain secrecy — it’s unlikely that you would recover this way or so your relationship with them. Because a good marriage does not have the burden of secrets. And every committed relationship demands repair and transparency. 

Likewise, if your relationship has gone more toxic since you found their infidelity, you should consider a divorce. This will allow you to genuinely move forward and eventually find someone who is better suited for you and contributes to a healthier relationship. 

What Option Should I Choose to Divorce in California?

The best divorce option for you in California are the ones that will save you precious time and money. And without a thought they’re mediation and DIY divorce. A DIY divorce is basically where you and your partner work together to complete and file the needed paperwork for the divorce without the help of a legal professional. 

If you need help with this process it would be easiest to hire a divorce mediator (it is cheaper than hiring an attorney) so that they can meet with both of you. Look over the proceedings to make sure you fill out what you need to, communicate in a way that will keep things fair, and help you make a plan for after your divorce is finalized. 

The best divorce mediation service in California is Families First Mediation.  Their mediators have years of experience, education,  expertise and certification. For divorce or legal separation, they always put the California families first and create personalized settlement agreements. 

Related: 7 Stages of an Emotional Affair and Recovery. 

Dealing with infidelity in your relationship is very challenging. It is not for the weak minded and can lead to emotionally damaging consequences that may require therapy to help you process. Just know that it’s okay. You are not a bad person for choosing to walk away, nor are you ‘crazy’ for seeking out help from a professional. 

Dr. Invia can guide you through the process with a free video consultation to help you move past this bump in the road.   

Related: Tips to Overcoming Resentment in a Marriage