Monthly Archives: April 2013

  • Reconciliation: Moving Past Divorce Reconciliation: Moving Past Divorce

    Reconciliation: Moving Past Divorce

Reconciliation: Moving Past Divorce

After separation and during the divorce process, you likely have become angry, resentful, and hostile towards your spouse. When our relationships become threatening, such as a damaged marriage relationship, we protect ourselves by forming a negative image of the other person. This negative image helps us live on with our lives, without experiencing psychological disintegration. In other words, if I believe my spouse is at fault and a horrible person, life is more bearable. As a result, our view of the event, relationship, and all the negative beliefs we use to help us cope become imbedded in our minds. Your spouse’s views, ideas, and beliefs which were clever and wise are now simple-minded and faulty. What used to be unique and special about your spouse is silly and foolish. Your thoughts continue to deepen as a reaction to your anger and even hostility toward your spouse.

During this process, we avoid looking at our contribution to the failed relationship. When we hurt, we distance ourselves. Part of the divorce is the very physical separation between yourself and your spouse. This physical separation makes it very difficult to hear any disconfirming information about your spouse. Your ex-spouse can no longer explain his or her beliefs, attitudes, or actions, because you are no longer together. Instead, you are surrounded by others who will likely encourage your beliefs, attitudes, and actions, not those of your spouse. You seek out friends and family to reassure you that it was in fact your spouse’s fault. The more you process your view, the more your view, even if it is faulty, becomes a part of your reality.

Although this behavioral pattern is comfortable, it leaves you with a painful past and an […]

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  • Learning to Forgive in Divorce Learning to Forgive in Divorce

    Learning to Forgive in Divorce

Learning to Forgive in Divorce

Suppose your settlement or trial results are exactly what you wanted. You have the parenting plan you desired. You are paying or receiving the support you thought was the fair amount. Now that the divorce is done, what are you going to do next?

Often divorce clients are consumed with the divorce process. They have had very little time to process or consider what their future is going to look like after the divorce. During the separation and divorce process, however, they’ve become very angry, bitter and resentful of their ex-spouse. Sometimes anger forms because a spouse expects the other to act in a certain way. We say things like, “he should have,” “she failed to,” and “he should never have.” Imposing unrealistic expectations on our spouse, we then hold them to a standard that he or she is doomed to fail. When they do in fact fail, we hold on to the alleged offense and allow the anger and frustration to take power over us, continually reminding ourselves of his or her fault embittering us.

Divorce is hurtful. As a divorce litigant, you have been hurt. Likely it’s a deep hurt because your spouse betrayed you, gave up on your marriage, or couldn’t forgive you for some of your wrongs. And even with a big win at settlement or trial, or even a peaceful and agreeable mediated agreement, the anger and hurt is still there.

Anger is harmful. It has the appearance of making us feel powerful, but leaves us feeling frustrated and powerless. Forgiveness is your willingness to release the past, the anger, the bitterness and resentment. It means separating forgivable people from unforgivable actions. When you forgive, you give yourself the chance to move […]

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  • Dealing with the Pains of Divorce Through Meaningful and Complete Apology Dealing with the Pains of Divorce Through Meaningful and Complete Apology

    Dealing with the Pains of Divorce Through Meaningful and Complete Apology

Dealing with the Pains of Divorce Through Meaningful and Complete Apology

If you are contemplating divorce, in the midst of a divorce, or already have a divorce decree in hand, you know pressures of the legal process do not compare to the emotional turmoil you are experiencing. The emotional pressures can be quelled when you give a meaningful and complete apology. It has the effect of freeing you from the weight of the divorce, help heal you and the person you offended, restore your relationships, and even provide you direct legal benefits to your case.

Apologies: The Need to Give and Receive.

During the divorce, you process a variety of thoughts and emotions in attempt to understand what lead to the dissolution of your marriage. You conclude that some of these failures were your spouse’s fault and others were yours. Many were a result of both you and your ex-spouse. You may struggle with the shame and guilt you experience for the affair you had or the misuse of your family’s money. You may feel guilty that your marriage failed. You may have even come to terms that this guilt is not going to disappear when the divorce process is over. You are haunted by the thought of having on-going contact with your ex-spouse and you can’t imagine co-parenting for the next ten years in any healthy way or being at your children’s celebrations with your ex-spouse in the years to come.

These are heavy and weighty issues many divorcees feel. A meaningful and complete apology, however, has the power to heal, relieve you of the humiliations and grudges, and help you establish a more healthy future relationship with your ex-spouse. An apology can take you from desiring revenge to a place of acceptance. It has the power […]

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